Fuck perfect.

Now really isn't the time.

I mean, it really REALLY isn't.

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling incredibly humbled right now.

It's like someone has pulled the rug from under my very privileged ass and smacked me in the face with it. Hard.

Slowly but surely I'm adapting to my new way of living, and trying desperately hard to establish a new routine; it's not easy.

Today I've hit a bit of a wall, and I've had a bit of a wobble. My head has well and truly fell off.

So where do I start?

I think the best place to start might be with this pic. I'm throwing all caution to the wind here. Post workout, make-up free, fucks given-free, and slightly Gremlin-esque post midnight. As I'm typing this, I'm realising that I have surely just described what I also look like post-sex, although don't quote me on that. However comet think of it, it might explain a few things...

I am beginning to understand at this point that this post is becoming a freestyle/ad-lib piece of work, and nowhere near what I've planned so I'm just gonna go with it. It's quite liberating.

Wait...What the fuck am I actually talking about?? No one wants to hear me moaning on with boring drivel about how I've found it hard to be motivated for the best part of the last week. WE ALL HAVE. If I could type louder, I would!!!! STFU Louise.

Fuck this, fuck everything, let's just fuck it. I feel like I'm breaking my own rules. I'm no longer following my notes. Very 2020 if you ask me.

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Hear me out.

I've never posted such a vulnerable picture of myself before in any capacity anywhere, (aside from a lucky fucker receiving a nude. Yes you, if you're reading this) which provoked me to think what other things have I never done that maybe if I did, I'd feel liberated in those area's too. Much more fun than addressing the pitfalls of the Covid-19 apocalypse.

I'm now basically playing a game of 'Never have I ever' by myself. The crazy has finally set in. Hold onto your hat, I'm about to fuck myself over.

The Rules.

Whilst reading this, the rules are you have to take a drink if you've done any of things that I haven't. Deal?

Grab a drink. Let's play.

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Never have I ever eaten a donna kebab. Ok, this one isn't brilliant, I'm aware of that. But people always seem so shocked when I say I've never tried it. There's just something about a slab of what I can only describe as congealed/compressed dog shit going round and round on a spit roast that makes me feel nauseous.

Speaking of spit roast, never have I ever had a threesome. Ménage á trois. Grupo de tres. Kolmikko. Trojice. Háromszemélyes. Terzetto. Tojica.

You get what I mean. Not in any arrangement (yet) have I tried it.

Is this game becoming my new shit-list bucket-list? It may well be.

Let's move on. (I bet at least a few of you have taken a drink now, yes??)

Never have I ever been to Glastonbury, unlike my fellow Scouse counter-parts. I know it's cancelled for 2020 with this years' tickets being re-allocated to next years' festivities, so who's up for 2022? Holla.

Never have I ever borrowed a cup of sugar from a neighbour.

Never have I ever farted in front of a boyfriend. EVER. I literally can't think of anything more embarrassing. I know it's normal etc. Blah blah blah. But I just can't. It makes a stupid noise, and smells vile. Side-note; farts or secret farts when I'm sharing a bed with someone don't count here. I didn't (really) know I was doing it. My bad.

Drink up boys. That one is your speciality.

Never have I ever watched Star Wars, Star Trek, or Lord of the Rings. No, no, and never.

Never have I ever been arrested. Although there's something really appealing about the cuffs. Sorry mother. Look away.

Never have I ever thought that day drinking was more acceptable than I do being in lockdown. None of you took a drink here. Stop fucking with me. Cheers guys. I've got your back. We're in this together. ILYSM x

Never have I ever tried smoking and I never will. An anti-smoking campaign I took part in during year 6 primary school (shout out to my St Laurence's fellow campaigners) has literally scarred me for life. I was traumatised by images of black lungs, clogged arteries and dying young.

Never have I ever drank tea or coffee. (Drink up bitches, drink up. You gotta be waved by now).

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Never have I ever thought that we would be giving the earth a break like it so very much deserves. And I mean like never in a million years did I think the pause button would be hit on the whole wide world simultaneously, which would create a new way of living through compassion, love, appreciation, and understanding. Very upsetting and tragic circumstances of course, but just look at us. Look around you. You're thankful as fuck. Me too.

We're better at loving and caring for one another than we thought. Fucking lovely.

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Never have I ever drank a pint. I mean aside from water.

Never have I ever realised before today that my right foot is defo smaller than my left. Might explain why my right knee is fucked, and perhaps needs some sort of special insole/trainer to assist it. Like I really need shit like this to deal with at the moment.

Never have I ever taken my freedom for granted before today. It wasn't even a thing beforehand, right?

I'm gonna go to every mother fucking night out/invite/festival/lunch/dinner/Bar Mitzvah/date/christening/communion/baby shower/ baby naming/wedding/divorce/brunch/hen/breakfast/football match/rugby game/adult sleepover/stag do/brunch/gym session/DTF's. All the invites basically. Count me in cunts. I'm there.

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Never have I ever been in love. I just can't have been, or I reckon I'd still be in it. Does that make sense? I've said "it" before to ex's, but looking back there's no way it was love. I've had feelings, I'm not a complete cold hearted bitch, but love?? I don't think so. I reckon I've been close though...

Bringing me onto my next point like a pro.

Never have I ever really regretted anything.

Well, perhaps aside from possibly maybe giving my feelings and time away a little too hard to those who didn't deserve them in the first place.

But then should I regret that? Absolutely fucking not.

Yes, it opens me to getting hurt a little more, but at least I'm always real. And there's nothing to regret about that.

Word.

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On that note, I'm gonna leave you to go play your own game of never have I ever with the members of your family, or Zoom community. I've got you off to a flying start.

Thanks for dropping by as always.

I'll be back shortly with another fuck up or two to share with your all.

Peace and love.

Louise x